A Father’s Responsibility
Pastor Matt Black
25 July 2007
Midweek Bible Study
Ephesians 6:4
Introduction: Open your Bibles to Ephesians 6:4. The title of our message is “A Father’s Responsibility”.
Ephesians 6:4, “And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord”.
When we think of schooling, most of us think of reading, writing, and arithmetic.
But I want you to see tonight specifically how primarily fathers (and secondarily mothers) are called to be the educators of their children. Now in our congregation we have single moms. If there is no father in the home, then all of what I’m going to say to fathers tonight falls on you as single moms. You are to carry out what I’m going to teach fathers tonight.
Alright, so children are going to follow you! But now in our text, we read that fathers are to take a proactive position in educating their children.
Now understand that education is not just information. Education has several elements—information, experience, and obedience—making the right choices.
We read in our text that fathers are commanded to use their example so that their children will follow the Lord. Specifically, if there is a father in the home, it is his responsibility to teach in the home.
But before we get to that, let’s look at a warning.
I. A Danger for Fatherhood.
Ephesians 6:4, “And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath”
What does it mean to “provoke to wrath”?
It means—to provoke to discouragement, frustration, or exasperation. The idea here is that you don’t have to be needlessly harsh or overbearing with your children. Be careful how you use your God-given authority! Our temptation is to wield our authority in the home in the wrong way.
Our approach to our children as fathers ought to be one that is of constant love and tenderness—as the Lord Jesus took up the children in His arms to bless them. Our approach ought to be to lead our wife and children as our heavenly father who gave all to reconcile His children to Himself.
But the truth is, we can easily abuse our God-given authority, and God says, our children see clearly when we do that, and it makes them angry and discouraged. Our children know when we are using them for our own self indulgence or comfort. They know when we upset with them just because we’ve had a bad day or we are upset about something. Fathers, and let me say by way of application, mothers, and anyone in charge of children, you had better be careful the way you wield your authority.
The truth of the matter is that we as fathers can easily discourage our children. In fact that’s exactly how Colossians 3:21 says it. Look there—we read, “Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.”
Before we get to how to identify this discouragement, anger, and exasperation in the home, let’s just look at the why of the warning.
A. The “why” of the warning.
1. Why are fathers told not to discourage their children?
As I said already, fathers are by their God given role, the authority in the home. The training of children is the father’s special responsibility. He carries an serious, weighty, God-given influence that not even the mother has. This was established earlier in Ephesians 5. Husbands are the head of their wife. The husband is to lovingly lead the home.
Now we must understand that all authority can be abused.
a. Just because we have this authority, we cannot use it to suit our needs or make ourselves comfortable. If we do that, we will provoke our children to anger. They know when they see hypocrisy and self-indulgence. We can never as fathers or mothers use our authority simply to get our way.
Examples:
(1.) You are tired from working, and you come home and start demanding things because you want things to be comfortable for you.
(2.) You have company over, and your kids start acting up, and you use your authority to humiliate them or put them down because you are embarrassed.
b. We have this authority so that we can please God. We are to use this authority to teach our children to follow God. That’s what the verse says, “fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord”.
God put us in this position not to please ourselves, but to please God. Paul says specifically in Romans 15:1, that those who are in any position of strength ought not to abuse that God-given strength to please ourselves. In fact he says that we who are “strong…ought to bear the infirmities of the weak, and not to please ourselves.”
c. Yet, even in our pursuit of God, we as fathers have a tendency to be overbearing. This scripture implies that we as fathers are not to be overbearing.
The Apostle Paul who wrote Ephesians and Colossians was well aware that Roman fathers had the freedom to treat their children in any way they chose. One source I read said this:
"A Roman father had absolute power over his family. He could sell them as slaves, he could make them working his fields even in chains, he could take the law into his own hands and punish as he liked, he could even inflict the death penalty on his children."
We don’t sell our children into slavery these days or put them in chains or inflict capital punishment on them, but believe it or not, there are fathers and mothers in our society who cause emotional pain in their children equal to the cruelty of Roman fathers. Here are some of the ways parents may injure the heart and mind of their children:
1) Rejection – We as parents have to realize how much our children look up to us. Some children seethe inwardly or explode outwardly because they feel rejected by one or both of their parents. How does this happen?
· Constant telling them what to do, and not lovingly demonstrating what they are to do.
· You can have the attitude that whatever they do will never please you.
· You can communicate to them by your tone of voice that all they do is get on your nerves.
This attitude and tone of rejection in the home will take the wind out of their sails. They will lose heart and be angry, discouraged, despondent, or worst of all, apathetic inside.
Another similar way we can provoke our children to anger is…
2) Destructive criticism - There is no doubt that children need reproof and correction. Identifying behavioral boundaries and insisting that children stay within them is the natural duty of parents.
But we must always correct in love!!! We can correct our children in such a way that is insulting. Our tone of voice can imply that our children are stupid or worthless.
The apostle Peter wrote, "above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4:8). In other words, loving parents will never remind their children of past failures or sins. If God forgives them, parents should forgive them as well.
Over time, if a parent does not properly exercise correction, the child will become more and more rebellious, and resentment for the child can set in.
Some children cannot sneeze without their parents telling them they didn’t do it correctly. When all our children hear from morning to night is criticism of what they are doing or not doing, they will become totally disheartened before long. And they will probably… openly rebel against their parents and their parents’ faith.[1]
3) Tension in the home - No parent wakes up in the morning thinking, "What can I do to create stress and tension for my children today?" We don’t think that way but we often achieve those same results.
When parents openly argue with each other day after day they create far more tension for their children than they realize. A child’s sense of security is bound up in the secure relationship of his or her parents. There is no question that a tension-filled marriage will produce tension-filled children.
So how can we avoid all of this? If the home has a father, then it really rests on the father’s shoulders to use his authority well, and secondarily on the mother. If there is no father in the home, then it falls directly on the mother.
This passage specifically addresses fathers, so if a father is not to provoke his children to wrath…
B. How then should a father use his authority?
We are to use our authority to “bring them [our children] up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord”.
How do we do that? We’ll, we’ve seen the danger that fathers have. And really mothers secondarily have to heed this danger. We have authority over our children, and if we don’t carefully in the fear of God use our authority to please God, and instead use it to please ourselves, our children can become angry, bitter, feeling betrayed and knowing you are abusing your authority. So we want to be aware of this danger. But secondly, let’s look at
II. The Duty of Fatherhood. And I say fatherhood because this is what we ought to have in a Christian home. A father and a mother committed to one another for life. But this is not always the case, perhaps because of things that happened before you were saved. Listen, all of your sins are under the blood, so be encouraged. If you are a single mom tonight, God will be a husband to you and a Father to your children. And so this message tonight is primarily for fathers, but if there is not a father in the home, then mom, this message is for you.
So how should you use your authority? Let’s look at the text.
Fathers, I want to ask you tonight—are your children discouraged? Are they overly afraid of you? Your children ought to fear you, but there is a healthy fear that is balanced with trust and love. Fathers and mothers, do you needlessly scold your children, or is there an atmosphere of pure love in your home?
How do you get this? Well let’s look at the text.
The text says we are to use our authority to “bring them [our children] up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord”.
A. You are to use your authority to Exemplify. The text says to “bring them up”. The word is ektrefo—it means ‘to raise up; to bring to maturity’ (Strong’s Concorance). Your children are most definitely going to grow up to be someone.
And the key idea here is that your children are going to follow you!
We as human beings are creatures of imitation. We imitate those we respect and follow. And God has made the world in such a way that our children imitate their parents. The Scripture says in Ephesians 5:1, “Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children”. Children are going to follow you. Children follow!
Now this concept has huge implications because we are all on a road that will lead us somewhere, and that final destination is forever!
The Bible teaches that all human beings can travel only one of two roads. One leads to eternal life and the other to eternal destruction. If anyone goes away from the living God the only direction to go is eternal death.
So let me ask you tonight parent: is your life and example one that is fervently following God in every area? Is there an area of your life that your child could follow that would lead him to destruction?
Remember, what you do in moderation, your children will do in excess. Are there any cracks in the foundation of your faith and your walk with God? How is your example? You say you believe? But children don’t care what you say until your walk backs up your talk. Your walk talks louder than your talk talks right?
So do your children see Jesus in your actions?
· Do they hear Him in your tone of voice?
· Do they see you seeking after Him earnestly in the prayer closet?
· Do they see you make the hard decisions to love and be kind to others who offend you?
· Do they see that you are firm and loving?
· Do they see a broken heart in you?
Application: You are not called to keep a list of dos and don’ts—Christianity is not something that can be lived mechanically! It is a love relationship with our heavenly Father, and in the love of Christ, and the power of the Holy Spirit. Your conviction ought not come from lists, but from the Word that is alive in your heart and from the presence of the living God in our life!
So we are to use our authority to exemplify!
B. Secondly, we are to use our authority to Educate! The text says we are to use our authority to “bring them [our children] up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord”.
The word “nurture” is paideia (paideia). It refers to ‘the whole training and education of children—it is to mold their whole person, not just their mind but their mind, will, emotions, and values.
So the nurturing has to do with education and example.
Proverbs 23:24 says, “The father of the righteous shall greatly rejoice: and he that begetteth a wise child shall have joy of him.” How do you beget a wise child? A wise father must teach him!
The father is the educator of the home. The home must be the fountainhead of all education.
Seek out the best educational helps possible, but simply writing a check won’t fulfill your role. Paideia requires thoughtful, ongoing oversight, discussion, and example.
C. Finally, we are to use our authority to Exhort! The text says we are to use our authority to “bring them [our children] up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord”. The word “admonition” means exhortation and counsel.
We are to make application to every situation with the Word of God. Just verse memorization will not do. In other words, all fathers are to be the pastors of their homes! Admonition is what we do in preaching. It is a direct application of the Word of God to every situation.
Conclusion: Finally, it says all of this is to be done in the “LORD”. Someone said this about this verse:
To say that Jesus is "Lord" means
that he is the
rightful King of the universe,
that he is
ruler over all the world,
that he is the
commander of all the armies of heaven and of all his Christian soldiers on the
earth,
that he is now
reigning until he has put all his enemies under his feet,
that he is
triumphant over sin and death and pain and Satan and hell, and
that he will
one day establish his kingdom of righteousness and joy on the earth and reign
forever and ever to the glory of his Father.
To confess that Jesus is Lord means that you believe that he will triumph over all things.[2]
Do you want Jesus to be Lord of your home? Lord of your life? Lord of your finances? Lord of your mind? Lord of your hands, feet, eyes, and destiny? Live it before your children! Be joyful living out the Lordship of Christ! Find your daily joy in obedience to Him. If you try to slide worldliness into your home—who are you fooling? Our kids know better than you and I do of our hypocrisy. Let’s be blameless in this perverse generation!