How to Raise a Rebel, Part 1
By Pastor Matt Black
16 May 2007
Midweek Bible Study
Proverbs 13:24
Introduction: Open your Bibles to Proverbs 13:24. Several weeks ago, I preached a series of messages entitled “How to Raise a Pharisee”. Tonight we are going to embark on a similar series of what you want to avoid in raising your children! So the title of this evening’s message is: “How to Raise a Rebel”.
Proverbs 13:24, “He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.”
Today there are millions of criminals in prison throughout our land and the world. Every single one of those criminals had parents. None of those parents read books on how to raise a rebel! No one in their right mind wants to raise a liar, a thief, a criminal. Of course the majority of children stay out of prison, but how many parents in our country and throughout the world are raising godly, obedient, loving, respectful children that love God? There are only two kinds of children presented in the book of proverbs: wise children and foolish children.
So let’s get into the first step that you want to avoid. This step will most surely give you great success in raising a rebel. If you want your child to be a burden to you and eventually a burden to society, this is what you need to do.
I. Step #1: First, just do nothing.
We really need do nothing to raise a rebel. How is that you ask? The Scripture says your child is born with sufficient wickedness in him that he will rebel without you having to teach him anything. In other words, your child is born a rebel.
A. The Status Quo is scary.
Illustration: Have you been to the supermarket lately? Wal-mart? Have you heard how children act toward their parents? Most parents have no idea what to do with their children. And so, they do nothing. This is the most efficient and easiest way to raise a rebel.
B. Wicked from the Womb. Children are born with natural inborn depravity. We call it original sin. There is no age of innocence. It is better to say there is an age of accountability when the child is able to reason enough to accept the Gospel. But there is no age when the child needs to learn how to sin. He is born sinning. Psalm 58:3, David says it right, “The wicked are estranged from the womb: they go astray as soon as they be born, speaking lies.” Estranged from who? From God! There is a great gulf fixed between your baby, your child and God! At what point? The age of accountability, 5, 10, 18? No, from the womb! Before they are born! It is a Biblical fact that the baby even in the womb is a sinner rebelling against God. As soon as that baby comes out of the womb, he will go astray, speaking lies. As soon as the baby is capable of any physical expression, the infant sins. You might ask, how can an infant speak lies if they can’t even talk?
Illustration: My wife has told me that the cries of our children as infants were distinguishable, and I think that even we as fathers can tell the difference from time to time. We can recognize when a child is crying out of hurt, and crying out of anger. Many times a new born puts forth a false cry. He cries as though he is hurt. When mom checks him out, he’s not hurt in any way, his diaper is clean, nothing is irritating him—he’s just fine. There is a selfish deception that begins in you and I as a child, and that we can see in our own children.
The philosopher John Locke said that children are a blank slate and their environment determines their behavior. The Bible tells a different story! David says in Psalm 51:5, “Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me.” Bruce Ray comments, “What does he mean? David was shaped just as you and I were: in the womb of our mothers. As he developed within the womb, he developed organs capable of fulfilling the sinful intentions of his heart. As his arms and his legs were formed, and as his fingers were formed on the ends of his hands, he was shaped in his iniquity: fully prepared to come forth from the womb to obey the lusts of the flesh and to express his sinful nature.”[1] This is astounding! Jesus, when he spoke to the Pharisees said, “Ye are of your father the devil and the lusts of your father ye will do” (John 8:44). By saying this, Jesus was implying that all men without Christ have the natural inclinations and desires (lusts) of fallen angels—devils! That’s what we are facing!
C. As we think of how to raise a rebel, I want to by way of introduction give you a general principle found in Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
This verse indicates that children are, for the most part, a reflection of the commitment of their parents.
The idea of this verse is not what you think on face value. It has the idea, “Train up a child in the way he goes [or in his own way], and when he is old he will not depart from it”. This is more of a warning than a promise. The idea here is that if you do nothing, your child’s own sinful nature will enslave him even until he is old apart from divine intervention. He doesn’t need your training to be sinful. He already is sinful.
One commentator said, “Trian up a child in his way or after his manner according to his ways. Allow a child to have self-expression, allow him to pick and to choose what he will and will not do, and as that habit is formed in his youth he will not change when he is older. If he does not learn discipline from you as a child he will never learn it as an adult. That is a warning…. If you let your children run over you, if you withhold the rod, if you fail to discipline them, if you fail to diligently and meticulously instruct them in the little things as well as the big, if you let your children decide what they will and what they will not eat, what they will and what they will not wear, what they will and what they will not do and when they will and will not do it, look into the future and you will see those same children unbridled, undisciplined, and unable to bring their bodies into submission to the commands of God”.[2]
Jay Adams says, “The verse stands not as a promise but as a warning to parents that if they allow a child to train himself after his own wishes (permissively) they should not expect him to want to change these patterns when he matures. Children are born sinners and when allowed to follow their own wishes they will naturally develop responses that are sinful…. To allow the child to go his own way, to allow him to take things naturally as they come, is to assure the destruction of his soul.” The inborn nature of a child will always lead him or her to hell without the loving instruction from the Word of God.
So, if you want to raise a rebel—do nothing! “All we like sheep have gone astray” (Isaiah 53:6). Your child is born a rebel. Do nothing and he will remain that way.
II. Step #2: Second, you need to give your child his way early and often.
In other words, you should make the child be his own authority whenever possible. When we do this is to turn the fifth commandment on its head. The fifth commandment states: “Honor thy father and thy mother”. If you want to raise a rebel, then from the earliest age, you should allow your children to rule the roost.
There are many ways that a child can exert his authority over his parents.
A. He can use cuteness. Little Absalom walks over to the precious moment on the table. You’ve told him “no” many times. You have guests over to your home, and Little Absalom approaches this precious moment figurine. You want to spank him, but as he radars in on the object, he realizes he has an audience and he gives a little smile when you tell him no. He’s so cute! You just can’t spank him when he’s so cute! You and your guests laugh. Junior gets his way because he got to touch the figurine without consequences. You’ve successfully taught your son that he can hide rebellion by being clever and charming. This will suit him well for a life of rebellion.
Application: What is cute when a child is eight months old, is not cute when they are eight or eighteen years old. What you teach a child before they are a year old will save you years of headaches and heartaches!
By allowing your child to always know that they are cute and charming and by being “wrapped around their finger”, you are feeding the monster of pride within them. They will begin to believe that they live by a different set of rules than others because of their good looks or charm. Your daughters should know the verse: Proverbs 31:30, “Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.”
I want you to notice that the Bible commands children to obey their parents. It does not command them to be their friend. Some parents are soft on their children. They would say they have a soft spot in their heart for their child. Two year old little Willy is called to come to the mother or father. Willy doesn’t whine or fuss, he simple furrows his eyebrows together and sticks his little lip out. And what do these new parents say? “Aw, look at little Johnny, isn’t that little lip sooooo cute!”
BEWARE OF CUTE CHILDREN
Parents, what is cute at 2 is not cute at 12 or 22! That little lip is an outward sign of an inward condition of selfishness and rebellion. By doting over their seemingly “cute” rebellion, you are teaching your child to disobey you. This may seem harmless now, but remember the eternal law of the harvest: “What ever you sow, you will also reap” and in another place, “If you sow to the wind, you will reap the whirlwind”. You are planting seeds in your child that will one day cause them to break your heart and bring you shame.
You must not look upon your children simply as “cute”, but as the greatest mission field in all the world! When Jesus lifted up his eyes upon Jerusalem, he wept. He was moved with compassion on them. He saw them without guidance—as sheep with no shepherd.
B. Whining and fussing are very effective for the child to get his way. The tenth commandment is “Thou shalt not covet”. Whining and fussing to get one’s way is coveting. It should be met with a swift spanking. Proverbs 13:24 He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes. Betimes means early, or right away!
C. Your child can simply throw a tantrum to get his way. Children of the earliest ages can scream, hold their breath, and exhibit extreme anger. It needs to be met with a spanking or you will raise a rebel. This is one of the oldest and most trusted forms of rebellion. Again, Proverbs 13:24 is our guide: “He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.”
Conclusion: So tonight we see that in order to raise a rebel, you need do absolutely nothing. Just give them their way. We’ll be getting to some other ways you can raise a rebel next week, but let me close by saying, if you want to raise your children God’s way, it will take a covenant with God on your part. It’s going to take a serious commitment of time and energy.
My children, especially the young ones, I spend sometimes hours each day with them instructing them and disciplining them for their disobedience. The majority of the time I’m trying to gain their heart after they have defied me. I clearly tell them they have displeased God. I try to gain their heart and their love from the Word of God. Then loving discipline takes place. It is totally in love. Afterward, the bond between parent and child is restored. The air is clear once again, and joy is restored—it is a beautiful thing! The Bible way is the best way.
Closing Hymn: 443 He Hideth My Soul in the Cleft of the Rock