How to Raise a Pharisee, Part 4
By Pastor Matt Black
04 April 2007
Midweek
Bible Study
Matthew 23:23-33
Introduction: Before I begin tonight… let me ask, have you found joy in God this week? Have you tarried at the door of the Holy of Holies in your misery until Christ broke through with His mercy and majesty? Is your prayer life becoming addicting? Are you not willing to do what ever it takes to tarry with the Lord?
Now, if you would, open your Bibles to Matthew 23. Tonight we end our four part series entitled: “How to Raise a Pharisee”.[1]
None of us wants to raise a Pharisee. Yet we are so blind to our self-righteousness and self-dependence that we need a message like this to wake us up.
Let’s stand and read just one verse: verse 27 of Matthew 23, “Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men’s bones, and of all uncleanness.”
When you looked at the Pharisees outward appearance what you saw were beautiful, wonderful people. Man can’t see to the heart, and we remember that “man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7). These Pharisees looked awesome on the outside!
1. Step #1: Major on the externals instead of internal issues. This is majoring on controlling the child's behavior without using Scripture and prayer to deal with his heart. This will produce a Pharisee—everything looks good on the outside, but inwardly he is corrupt (Matthew 23:23-24, 27-28).
Dressing up a corpse
Dealing with the behavior instead of the heart is like dressing up a corpse. We must connect the life of God to this child! We want to raise genuine children of God, not good actors!
Good actors
Good actors love to make the outside appearance “clean” (verse 25), but Christ says they are still dead and ugly inside: “Ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men’s bones, and of all uncleanness” (verse 27).
The Most Frightening Thing
The most frightening thing is that if we settle for outward conformity instead of God touching the heart—the fact is despite all their beauty, without a change of heart, there is no way our children will “escape the damnation of hell” (verse 33).
The Gaze of God
Remember the gaze of God goes beyond our exterior; it goes right to our heart! No matter how good you think your child is, God sees the ugliness of their heart, and He has the only remedy for their soul!
We must take the Time to reach our children’s heart!
Our children need RADICAL SURGERY on the heart, not "quick fixes" so that they won’t embarrass or annoy you. Get to the heart issues in your child. Work the Law into your child’s heart and let the heavy conviction of the Schoolmaster bring your child to Christ. Don't settle for superficial repentance by your child.
So Step #1 is to major on behaviour while neglecting the heart. Let’s look at the next step.
2. Step #2: If you want to raise a Pharisee, Use Excessive control.
Instead of depending on the power of the Holy Spirit to change the child from the inside out, the Pharisaical parent uses excessive control to get desired behaviour.
Raise your voice! Don’t let them hear the voice of the Holy Spirit! Take the place of the Holy Spirit. Instead of using the Word of God to gently convert the soul of the child, the parent becomes the Holy Spirit of God and uses
o manipulation,
o excessive control,
o fear, and
o an overbearing spirit to produce the desired behavior.
The goal is not that we would get our way, but that we would be a vessel and a channel for God to use to form their precious souls for His glory.
How can we avoid this kind of excessive control?
Ø Avoid micromanaging your children's life, telling them every little thing they must do.
Ø Instead, you want to create a God-consciousness.
Let them live in the presence of God.
Don’t get sidetracked with the less important issues.
· Being on time
· Wearing the right clothes
· Doing well in School
· Behaving rightly at the dinner table
· Sitting still in church
· Turning off lights
· Closing doors
These just aren't the most important things in the world. These are all superficial issues.
Major on the majors! The major issue is that we should please God with from our hearts.
Transition: So, if you want to raise a Pharisee, don’t rely on the power of God! Don’t rely on the Spirit of God, Don’t rely on the Word of God, all you need to do is make sure they know that you’re boss. Raise your voice! Don’t let them hear the voice of God. You just pounce on them with manipulation and an overbearing spirit, and you are sure to raise a Pharisee.
3. Step #3: If you want to raise a Pharisee, Overreact to Failure (seek Perfectionism)
Your child is not a museum piece for you to show off to the world. Your child is on loan from God. They don’t need to succeed in the world to succeed in God’s eyes. They are sinners that you ought to pray will be saved by grace.
The Goal: not human success, but the glory of God!
Pharisees never allow their children the freedom to fail. They have to be perfect! And they give these man-made standards of their own desire to their children. In the Word of God, human success is not the goal; pleasing God is the goal!
Failure is God’s Way for our Children to Learn Brokenness
Failure is not the end of the world. God allows us and our children to fail in order to learn brokenness. Your child has one goal in his or her life: worship God every minute in every action of every day, world without end. The chief end of man is not human success. The chief end of man is the glory of God.
God’s glory only shines when we come to the end of our selves. Christian success always rises from the ashes of failure. John 12:24, “Except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abideth alone: but if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit.”
Also, God’s Way for our Children to Learn God-Dependence
We need to ultimately teach our children God-dependence in their weaknesses. Failure is part of growing in grace. Failure is ordained by God. Some of the greatest lessons I ever learned I learned through failure.
The fact is you and I and our children have weaknesses and infirmities as a part of God’s plan to make us God-dependent. Jesus said to Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:9, “my strength is made perfect in weakness.” And what was Paul’s response in that same verse? “Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
The home is where failure should provide a great opportunity for training. Where encouragement and support flourish, there is the ability to see the lessons of life with clarity. Otherwise, you may drive your child to hopelessness and despair.
Repeat: The Goal
Finally, remember that perfection is not the goal, Pleasing God is!!
If your child is not athletic, it’s ok. If he or she is not a brain, it’s ok! If they “just don’t get it” sometimes, it’s ok! Weaknesses are not sins. Human success is not the Goal—reflecting the glory of God is!
4. Step #4: If you want to raise a Pharisee, Replace Godliness with Grouchiness!
Instead of being motivated by a crucified life, a God-centered love for the child, and the fruit of the Spirit, our motivation for correction is that we are:
o Angry
o Annoyed
o Irritated
o Upset
We need to remember the words of James in James 1:20 For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.
A grouchy/irritable parent, frustrated over everything that goes wrong.
Galatians 5:22-23, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, 23 Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.
A godly humble spirit in the home does not mean that we do not deal with sin! In fact we must deal with sin swiftly and firmly. But anger and irritation are not fruits of the Spirit.
5. Step #5: If you want to raise a Pharisee, Elevate preference over biblical principle. Mark 7:7 “Howbeit in vain do they worship me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men.”
In other words, everything becomes important, and you have you have ten thousand agendas in the home. And it changes from day to day. And this poor child has no idea what to expect from his mother and father. The rules of the house change depending on their whims. And there is no overarching philosophy in the home.
A genuine Christian home has one overarching philosophy. What is the chief end of man? “To glorify God and to enjoy Him forever.”
Pharisaical parents have no over arching standard. Their whims direct when they spank and when they don’t. And it changes from day to day, and then you have a confused child who is bitter inside and getting in trouble at school, and doesn’t know what’s expected of him because it’s constantly changing. And we teach for doctrines the commandments of men” and “in vain we worship God” (Mark 7:7).
6. Step #6: If you want to raise a Pharisee, Practice unnecessary Separatism–
Pharisees love to put stigmas on people that don’t agree with them. Since they are self-righteous, they look down on others. No one can do right. They are the only ones on the planet that really have it right! This attitude is poisonous and easily transmitted to our children.
Here are some very common attitudes:
“We’re the only ones on the planet that have this right”
“Boy if the pastor would just get this right…”
And you make cliques in the church. How does this happen? It happens when we make secondary issues primary in the church.
You may have a pet issue. Here are a couple:
o how we school our children
o whether we keep our children with us or not in all the services
We get so upset and critical, and God says we need to be “Endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:3).
Philippians 2:14, “Do all things without murmurings and disputings”
Remember, you have not arrived!
We are robed in the righteousness of Christ.
The ground is level at the cross!
We are all on a journey unto sanctification, and we ought to be humble. Paul said in Philippians 2:2-8, “Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. 3 Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. 4 Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. 5 Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: 6 Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: 7 But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: 8 And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross.”
Do you have the mind of Christ, or are you causing divisions? If so, that’s an excellent way to devastate the church and raise a Pharisee at the same time.
7.
Step #7:
If you want to raise a Pharisee, Substitute standards for Spirituality
We see this in Matthew 23 and verse 23 , “Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye pay tithe of mint and anise and cummin, and have omitted the weightier matters of the law, judgment, mercy, and faith: these ought ye to have done, and not to leave the other undone.”
What does Christ say? Standards are good, but you left the most important part out! To jump to standards without dealing with the heart is behaviorism.
Tithing is good. Standards are good, but they are not necessarily a fruit of genuine spirituality. Paying a tithe does not make you a Christian! Keeping high standards does not make you a Christian!
You need to understand the weightier matters of the law:
· Judgment: the fact that you are in danger of eternal judgment! You are going to stand before God one day!
· Mercy: You are in need of God’s mercy!
· Faith: You need to repent of your sin and put your faith in Christ.
Following a set of rules does not make you a Christian.
Good works come as a fruit of faith, but you cannot substitute standards for true spirituality! Many parents believe if their children have the right amount of verses memorized, says the sinner’s prayer, dress the right way, read from the right Bible translation, etc, then their child must be a Christian! Listen, lots of “good children” and lots of “good people” will populate the Lake of Fire.
Our churches are filled with people who behave well! But what measuring the fruit of the Spirit in our children’s lives? Do they have a hunger and a thirst for God?
No amount of good behaviour will never justify your child. All the good standards in the world will not balance out one of your child’s sins. That is why we want to do all we can to bring our children into an encounter with the Living God! If we don’t we will tend to have a set of man made rules that makes a person a Christian. There is no magic formula for salvation. If I press Button “A” and do “Y” while not doing “X” then I’m a Christian! No! We must introduce our children to the Living God. wrong!
Restatement: Don’t misunderstand—Christians do grow in grace. The outside will eventually begin to match the inside. Their outward appearance becomes less important. They will stop trying to impress people with the way they dress, and dress simply. But NO AMOUNT of outward standards can replace spirituality.
Transition: A person may have good standards of holiness because he loves God. Or he may be using those standards as a smoke screen to hide his sins. That brings us to our next point:
8.
Step #8:
If you want to raise a Pharisee, Use Spiritual Smokescreens
The Lord says in verse 14 of Matthew 23, “Woe unto you, scribes
and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye devour widows’ houses, and for a pretence
make long prayer: therefore ye shall receive the greater damnation.”
The Pharisaical parent says and demonstates in public…
I’ve got this in order, and everything is in order, but nobody sees the real you. But your kids see the real you. This is a good way to raise a Pharisee. Put all these spiritual smoke screens out there, and when your child is of age, he’ll leave the house and be ten times the child of hell you were!
How do you know if this is the case? Well, if you have all the right standards of music and dress, but perhaps at the same time…
Ø You watch the same television shows the world does.
Ø You laugh at crass humor just as the world does
Ø You yell and scream at your children just like the world
Ø In your heart you want the same comforts as the world—you are not willing to suffer for Christ.
Ø You can’t spend 5 minutes a night begging God to open your eyes and the eyes of your children, but you will spend 2 empty, wasted hours watching a Hollywood movie!
Do you gather your children around you on your knees and plead with them to trust in God, and then on your knees worship God at His throne?
Transition: If it is easy to worship God at church, but when it really costs us something like time and comfort, you are not willing to labor with God in prayer for our children, then you are using God as a spiritual smoke screen.
9.
Step #9:
If you want to raise a Pharisee, Make mountains out of molehills—to the Pharisaical parent, every
issue is a fighting issue. Look at verse 24: “Ye blind guides, which
strain at a gnat, and swallow a camel.”
Pharisees become judgmental and critical of the smallest issues. I don’t even know what these issues are. Most of the time when they are revealed they have nothing to do with real biblical holiness.
For instance, take food. I look at food, and I gain a pound. If I smell it, I gain ten. There are other people who can eat a sub sandwich the size of a football field and lose weight!
For me it may be gluttonous to eat a sub that size, but for that person, they may be glorifying God!
Or how about this? You’ve promised God you’ll read ten chapters a day in the Bible, but there are others that read only one verse. You judge the other person, yet the one you judge may be growing ten times greater than you because they have a tender broken heart!
Parents who are bound to raise Pharisees are constantly judgmental about other families, about things going on in the church; being critical of everything, constantly fault-finding, producing a constant rain of criticism.
It is so easy to criticize others
isn’t it? The Pharisee says in Matthew 7:4 Let me pull out the mote
out of thine eye”. But Christ says, “and, behold, a beam is in
thine own eye? 5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own
eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s
eye.”
When you criticize, your children see it, you’re developing that judgmental,
critical spirit of murmuring and complaining.
Remember I Corinthians 13:1, “Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.
Ø Verses 5-8: [Charity] thinketh no evil; 6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; 7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. 8 Charity never fails.
Criticism and making mountains out of molehills may get you your way, but at what cost? If you want to follow Christ, you must love. 1 Peter 4:8 “charity shall cover the multitude of sins”. John 13:35, “By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.” Love covers sin with love and forgiveness, but Pharisees make mountains out of molehills!
10. Step #10:If you want to raise a Pharisee, Seek First Your own Kingdom (Put others Down). In other words, the only thing that matters is what Mommy and Daddy look like! Pharisees are self focused and proud. They do not know balance. They will either neglect their children for the church ministry, or neglect the church ministry for their children, and be holier than the church.
Verses 6-7 of Matthew 23, Pharisees “love the uppermost rooms at feasts, and the chief seats in the synagogues, 7 And greetings in the markets, and to be called of men, Rabbi, Rabbi.”
The parent raising a Pharisee have their priorities all out of whack. They are building an earthly kingdom, not a spiritual one. They are often involved in public ministry, but do not often pray. They love to be thought of more highly than reality. They are willing to manipulate people to get their way in the church and in the home, without relying on the power of the Spirit of God and prayer.
Sometimes this is manifested in the home by an “I’ll show you who’s boss” attitude, especially in the discipline of children.
Remember, the Kingdom of God is built through a spiritual foundation.
Galatians 5:22-23, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, 23 Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.
No Law Against the Fruit of the Spirit
In our zeal to raise our children in righteousness, many times we can allow our attitude to turn sour. Remember “there is no law” against the fruit of the Spirit.
Illustration: If you were to find out that just your words and tone of voice of your entire day behind closed door was recorded and distributed to your neighbor, what would you want to change so that you could be a testimony? There is no law against the fruit of the Spirit. When your kids do wrong, that doesn’t mean it’s time to get a mean spirit!!
11. Step #11: If you want to raise a Pharisee, Wear Your Spirituality on Your Sleeve. Christ in this chapter brings his Woes unto the Pharisees, and he says in verse 5, “But all their works they do for to be seen of men:”
Christ actually gives a good contrast of this in Luke 18:10, “Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican. 11 The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican. 12 I fast twice in the week, I give tithes of all that I possess. 13 And the publican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes unto heaven, but smote upon his breast, saying, God be merciful to me a sinner. 14 I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other: for every one that exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted.”
The Pharisee really did think he was the next best think to sliced bread. He sincerely believed he had it all together.
We’ll never walk with God until we understand one thing: God resists the proud and gives grace to the humble! A broken and a contrite heart He will not despise. It’s not about me! It’s not about you! It’s about God! It’s about Him!
Remember Sunday we talked about getting into the presence of God. Feeling your misery? You can’t feel your misery if you are building your own kingdom. You know that you struggle, but not like other people do. You know you have sins and doubts of your own, but you sure are glad you’ve got some of the main things right!
Listen, I wonder in your home if the majesty of God is felt? I wonder if the mercy of Christ is seen in the humble spirit of your children?
Instead of a self righteous spirit, genuine Christian parents don’t judge others, instead they have compassion on them. They are willing to work with those who are not walking in the way of holiness until they come to the power of the presence of God. They know that it is not some system or set of rules, but a living relationship with a holy God.
Application: Do your children see Mommy and Daddy broken in prayer? That is the single thing that will bring your children to Christ? Do your children see Mommy and Daddy praying often, or do they see you surfing the Internet? Do they pray with you often—not just for meals but for extended periods of time in rapture and love for the Lord?
Or do they see a self-righteous, frustrated, angry mother or father? God would have your children feel their misery too.
And finally…
12. Step #12: Put the burden of holy living on your children without the Power of Christ.
Verse 4, “they bind heavy burdens and grievous to be borne, and lay them on men’s shoulders; but they themselves will not move them with one of their fingers.”
Is there a spirit of peace and love in your home? Do you have to yell in order for your children to come to you? Only by the Power of Christ can you bring real holiness to your children. It cannot be substituted. A Christian life is impossible with out the Christ of the Christian life!
Are you looking to see Christ be formed in them, or is it just a bunch of unsustainable religious standards?
What does Christ say? Matthew 11:28, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
Listen, if there is one thing I can leave you with in this series, is to introduce a real love saturated walk with God to your children, to your wife. It will radically change you. It will change your world. It will make the world bright when everyone else sees that it is dull.
Remember our children are a stewardship. We will be held accountable for every action in regard to them. We cannot treat them based on whims, but with tender care and love, just as we would treat Christ. We need to bring them to Christ, not simply reform their behavior.
Conclusion: We can’t treat our children any way we want. Once a living breathing Christianity is gone from the picture, we are raising Christianized heathens. Do you take your role as a parent as seriously as serving Christ himself?
I hope the goal of your home is that Mother and Father and child will all worship God and serve others from the heart! Is your heart connected to your service, to your standards, and to your worship of God?
By God’s grace let’s have a God-focused, God-saturated atmosphere in our home, and let’s all aim at the hearts of our children!
Closing Hymn: 374 Be Thou My Vision
[1] Note: Much of the historic data on the Pharisees was gathered from Extreme Righteousness by Tom Hovestol (Moody Press: Chicago, 1997). Also, some of my outline and spiritual applications for children below were adapted from Carey Hardy’s presentation on the same subject at the 2006 Shepherd’s Conference at Grace Church in Sun Valley, California.