How to Raise a Pharisee, Part 2

By Pastor Matt Black

21 March 2007
Midweek Bible Study
Matthew 23:23-33

Introduction:  Open your Bibles to Matthew 23.  We’ll be looking at just ten verses tonight—verses 23 through 33.  We will be in various passages tonight, but we will begin in Matthew 23.  Tonight we begin a two part series that will continue through next week entitled: “How to Raise a Pharisee”.

We have been looking at a 12 step program in raising a Pharisee in your home.  The fearful thing is that some here tonight may be well on their way into the program. 

Last week we looked at:

1. Step #1: Major on the external instead of internal issues. We look at the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5-7, and we see that Pharisees are big on keeping God’s Law.  That’s important.  Jesus didn’t condemn the Pharisees for keeping His Law, He condemned them for keeping it at a surface level.  Man looks on the outside, but God looks on the heart.

It is so easy to control behavior without dealing with the real issues of the heart.  Dealing with behavior instead of the heart is like giving a child pain killers for his deformed and broken leg, when in reality you need surgically reconstruct the bone and set his leg.

We are naturally prone to get upset at our children’s behavior, when instead we need to bring Scripture –the Bible to bear on their hearts.  Psalm 19:7, “The law of the LORD is perfect, converting the soul”.

2. Step #2: Use Excessive control.  This step has the idea of micromanaging our children.  Many parents want to take the place of the Holy Spirit, and instead of using the Word of God to gently convert the soul of the child, the parent becomes the Holy Spirit of God and uses manipulation, excessive control, fear, and an overbearing spirit to produce the desired behavior.   There is no need to depend on the Word of God and prayer for the overbearing parent.  He or she always seems to get the desired behavior through excessive control.

Tonight we are looking at ten additional steps. 

3. Step #3: Overreacting to failure (Perfectionism)

You must allow your children the freedom to fail. In the Word of God, human success is not the goal; pleasing God is the goal!  Failure is not the end of the world. You must see failure as an opportunity for instruction. Yet many parents live in FEAR of failure—and thus they become excessive controllers. Some parents are living their lives over again vicariously through their children and are demanding perfection! 

Let's talk about perfectionism.

A. What is Perfectionism?  Perfectionism is different from pursuing excellence. Perfectionism is moving the goal from pleasing God to pleasing you.  It demands results and maturity without the process of growth.  Perfectionism is a teaching of self-autonomy and self-dependence instead of God-dependence!

In a general sense, perfectionistic parents allow an unpleasant atmosphere to permeate their home. There is no allowance for mistakes and failures that are basic to life.  There is an unforgiving atmosphere.  When you refuse to get over your child’s failure, you are discipling them in pride, selfishness, and that the world revolves around you.

B. What does it look like?

· You can see it in parents who seem to have to call attention to every mistake.

· They are unknowingly sharing their love with their child based on their child’s performance.  This is CONDITIONAL, PERFORMANCE BASED LOVE.  It is sad for a child to think that nothing he does ever pleases his parents. This is the opposite of grace. 

Application: Do you show approval only when your child has lived up to the standards you have selfishly created?  You will never be able to communicate the Gospel of grace with this attitude.  You ought to have one goal for your child: to please and love and glorify God.

C. How can we avoid Perfectionism?

1.) Remember that God allows His children to fail, and teaches them through it.

· Proverbs 24:16 tells us that a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again”.

· Or how about Psalm 37:23-24, “The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way. 24  Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the LORD upholdeth him with his hand.”

· Paul said, in Philippians 3:12, “Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect.”  Are you expecting more of your child than the Apostle Paul?

· We haven’t attained to perfection, but we need to “grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ” (2 Peter 3:18).

2.) Remember also that we are not all alike. Some people are more gifted than others. So it is very frustrating to a child to think he has to be perfect or that he has to live up to a standard he is not able to meet.

We want to teach our children the importance of living up to the abilities God has given them. That is striving for excellence. This is striving to “love God with all our might”.  The goal is not perfection, but pleasing God with all our might!

3.) We need to ultimately teach our children God-dependence in their weaknesses.  Failure is part of growing in grace.  Failure is ordained by God.  Some of the greatest lessons I ever learned I learned through failure.

The fact is you and I and our children have weaknesses and infirmities as a part of God’s plan to make us God-dependent.  Jesus said to Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:9, “my strength is made perfect in weakness.”  And what was Paul’s response in that same verse? “Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

4.) Finally, remember that perfection is not the goal, Pleasing God is!!

You ought to be praying for God’s plan and will in His life, and then accept your child’s weaknesses.  Weaknesses are not sins.  Your contentment with God's plan for your child's life and with his God-given abilities will help keep you from being impatient and therefore exasperating him.

4. Step #4: Remember Grouchiness is not Godliness!  Two fruits of grouchiness: unforgiving spirit and impatience.  Instead of living a crucified life, we are with the fruit of the Spirit, we are trying toward the righteousness of God through our wrath.

James 1:20  For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.

A grouchy/irritable parent, frustrated over everything that goes wrong.

Gal. 5:22-24, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, 23  Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. 24  And they that are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts.”

Matthew 6:14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:  15  But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”

Instead of a home that is filled with joy, there is an oppressive, negative atmosphere. Sinful choices by your children definitely need to be dealt with. But make sure there is a visible end to the consequences, with the home thus returning to a pleasant atmosphere of peace and tranquility.   

The home is where failure should provide a great opportunity for training. Where encouragement and support flourish, there is the ability to see the lessons of life with clarity. Otherwise, you may drive your child to hopelessness and despair.

5. Step #5: Elevating preference over biblical principle

Mark 7:7  “Howbeit in vain do they worship me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men.”

There is ultimately ONE commandment.  If we followed the first

There are just two choices on the shelf: pleasing God or pleasing self.  Are your standards in the home God-saturated, and alive with broken holiness and love?

Some parents are prone to emphasize rules that really don't reflect the Bible at all. Instead, the rules reflect personal preferences.

There is nothing inherently wrong with maintaining some rules that flow out of personal preferences—house rules.

Sometimes these rules relate to developing a safe environment or to the need for maintaining some measure of control so there isn't utter chaos in the home. But care must be taken to avoid equating them with biblical commands, or again, allowing them to become excessive (e.g., excessive in number).

This is what the Pharisees did.

If you are enforcing too many of your preferences, or neglecting to teach biblical principles as the child matures, then preferential rules may be perceived as being the same as biblical commands and principles¼and they grow up with this pharisaical mindset.

· Be honest about views¼and about what is and what is not Scripture.

· Don't try to spiritualize everything.

6.   Unnecessary separatism –Love the brethren  Be Holy, but win the lost and encourage the brethren!!

2 Cor 6, “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? 15  And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel? 16  And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.”

Luke 7:34  The Son of man is come eating and drinking; and ye say, Behold a gluttonous man, and a winebibber, a friend of publicans and sinners!

1 John 3:16 Hereby perceive we the love of God, because he laid down his life for us: and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.

As your children grow, they must be involved with other children; this is a testing ground and provides opportunities for training. And your teens must be allowed to be with other teens.

I understand that there's a balance here—you have to be discerning about the company your child keeps. But some parents are going to such an extreme that they won't allow their children to be in the church Sunday School classes, or their junior high and high school students to be involved in the youth group.

Some pastors say that their home-schoolers are forming their own youth group, refusing to participate in the church's youth camp, etc.

Also, be careful about excessive separatism in your neighborhood.  We have one life to live!

Conclusion:  Let me encourage you tonight not to simply give your children rules to follow, but introduce them to the true and living God.

Closing Hymn:  325 Softly and Tenderly Jesus is Calling