The Marriage Bed is Honorable
By Brother Michael W. Larsen
23 July 2006
Adult Education Hour
1 Thessalonians 4:3-5
Introduction
Sexuality is incredibly difficult to teach on, especially for Christians. There are a number of reasons for this, which will become apparent, but the opening admonition is for you to be on alert.
The fact that an evangelical publishing house has put a certain piece of literature out doesn’t mean that it is necessarily biblically sound. This is especially true of literature purporting to put forth the “Christian” view of sexuality. Christians, according to Wilson, often come closer to espousing the secular humanistic view of sexuality than the biblical one, albeit 5 to 10 years after the world has said it.
The church seems to think that if we are different than the world then that is good enough. So as the world moves more and more away from God’s standard then the church moves along with it just keeping that buffer distance. The reality is that God has not moved and His standards have not moved. That means Christians should appear weirder and weirder every year! But that is not the case is it? Not at all. The church goes to great lengths to fit in with the world under the guise to “reach” the world.
Because the church doesn’t teach scripturally on the subject of sex, Christians often develop a secular view by default. Why doesn’t the church teach more regularly on this subject? According to Wilson any attempt at teaching on sexuality is bound to offend everyone in the room. “Its discipline will offend many, its freedom will offend the rest.”
Some Christians have the view of, “What’s the big deal, don’t limit me with your rules” and others say, “I can’t believe he said the word sex in church. Sex is a sin and should not be talked or thought about at all!” Both views are totally wrong.
At any rate, my hope in teaching it today is that the lesson will edify and equip you against the lies of the world.
1 Thess. 4:3-5 “For this is the will of God, even your sanctification: that you should abstain from fornication (sexual immorality); that every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honor, not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God.
n The Myth of “perfect sex lives”
This is one of a number of passages that we could cite to indicate God’s instruction that we be different in how we love, not just who we love. Wilson also states that many Christians don’t get this idea. The chief problem as he puts it is that the modern secular world has sent us all on the frustrating search for the perfect sexual experience. We are “obligated” to have constantly dynamic sex lives. Every sexual encounter must be this titanic experience that is perfect and amazing for both partners. There are two results of this misconception in a marriage:
1) A frenzied hunt for the perfect sexual experience (potentially resulting in perversion)
2) A frustrated resignation to not enjoying “normal sex.”
Certainly couples should enjoy their sex lives and it will often be dynamic, but people who push the idea of highly dynamic sex as the norm are missing two truths.
n Emotional Inflation
If everything is special, than nothing is. If everything is dynamic, then the dynamic becomes ordinary. If a couple or person believe sex is always supposed to be as exciting as the last time or better they will always have to seek some new thrill. Wilson says the law of diminishing returns comes into play and then other novelties have to be tried to keep it more and more exciting.
Now you may be saying, should I not enjoy dynamic sex with my spouse? Of course you should, sometimes. But if it always has to be dynamic, then you may be tempted to always be seeking new alternatives which usually involve a great deal of weirdness in order to keep up the “dynamic imperative”
n Our finitude
We are finite creatures. As such, there is a limit to our capacity for sexual pleasure just as there is a limit to our capacity for every physical or temporal pleasure. By definition, lust does not take these limits into account. “It demands from a finite thing what only the infinite God can provide. As finite creatures, our sexual pleasure will happen within a normal range indicative of finite creatures.
When a person in the grips of lust refuses to accept the normal limits of sexual pleasure it can and has lead to all sorts of perversions as a person seeks more and more - like an addiction. It has lead to people strangling themselves, committing sin by involving other couples etc... That is an improper distortion of how God intended married couples to enjoy each other. Paul warns us to protect our marriage bed from this type of out of control lust. Vs 4 & 5
So should we enjoy sex? Yes, within the normal limits of Finite people. Sometimes it will be extra special and sometimes just “normal”. Sometimes you have a steak dinner and sometimes you just have chicken!
The rebellion in this area is due to the world’s constant teaching that sex is not connected to its biological purpose! What is the biological purpose of sex? To have children! Sex was not created primarily as something you do for fun or pleasure! It was created to create offspring. Now God made it pleasurable so that we would do it!
The world teaches the opposite. Sex is fun! Sex is for recreation! You need more of it. You need more people. Sex is disconnected from the biological purpose for it purposefully. I believe this is the work of Satan since sexual sin is so damaging to people.
Now, recognizing this biological purpose does not mean that every sexual experience must have in mind the purpose of begetting children, but we should resist the modern desire to establish a permanent divorce between the sexual union and the birth of children. We could get into the mindset of the world that since birth control exists then sex and children are not related!
As an example, what is the biological purpose of food? To give energy to the body. God could have fulfilled that purpose without giving any thought to the wonderful tastes we enjoy as we eat various foods. All food could have tasted like cold oatmeal but would have been very good for us. We thank Him for making foods taste good to us don’t we? But we do not deny the purpose for food. The purpose of food is not removed simply because we enjoy eating the food because of the taste, or because we eat for entertainment at times etc.
Same with sex. We should not forget or eliminate the biological purpose for sex just because God made it pleasurable for us.
Wilson says getting that mixed up is like farming to get a sun tan!
n The biblical view of lovemaking
“His left hand is under my head and his right hand embraces me.” (Song 2:6)
Though we’ve said that our capacity for sexual pleasure is finite, that is not to say that that capacity is small. God intends for sexuality in marriage to be highly and deeply pleasurable for both partners. Not being obsessed with new thrills or constant dynamic sex doesn’t preclude a “cultivation of sexual enjoyment.”
We are not to run the other way and be prudes. “The marriage bed should be both disciplined and liberated.” The difference in how Christians go about this is the model that they seek to emulate and for what purpose they emulate it. (The world’s model or the scripture model)
In attempting to enhance our sex lives, the world wants to get technical. They want to give us graphic pictures and discussions of positions, and on and on. According to Wilson, we have a biblical model for this pursuit – Song of Solomon.
n Song of Solomon
We are not going to read the book here but essentially Wilson tells us that SOS is the model for biblical lovemaking. He says it is an erotic love poem, and that it should be interpreted as such, and that it is instructive as such.
What’s the difference between SOS and all of the sexual literature on the topic? Well, SOS is not a list of rules of techniques for lovemaking. It shows us an attitude toward lovemaking. Sex therapists should use the SOS as a guide.
Its images are instructive, but not pornographic. In other words, it is both clear and proper in its instruction. It is clearly sexual. A few brief points:
1) Lovemaking is pervasively sensual (involving all senses and the whole person, not just the sense of touch). The 1st 3 versus mention taste and smell. Also 1:13
2) Surroundings matter 1:16-17. Not only is the lover nice to look at but the surroundings as well.
3) It is a spiritual and emotional experience as well as physical (method of speaking, state of relationship)
4) In its physicality, it involves the entire body (7:1-9). It is obviously lawful for godly husband to admire, kiss, taste and caress his wife wherever he pleases.
5) Sex is a gift from God. As Christian lovers, our enjoyment of lovemaking should be deep and lasting. The joy of sex, which the world knows little about, is a gift of God to us.
We said that sex has a biological purpose (to beget children) of course it has Spiritual purposes as well
n Our union speaks about Christ
The only appropriate context for sex is marriage. God has ordained marriage to be analogous to Christ’s relationship with the church. When a marriage is formed, it is formed around a sexual relationship (consummation).
If a couple, any couple of any gender, is involved in the physical union of sex without marriage, then they are lying about Christ and how He relates to us. We can also “lie” about that relationship even within our marriages. We must have spiritual harmony in our marriages before we can engage accurately in biblical sex. If a couple is constantly fighting and in disunity even as they continue to have sex, then they are “constantly lying” about Christ.
Within the home, children “have front row seats” to the quality of the marital relationship. Parents take heed here! The sexual union is what created the “marriage” so it is good that your children know you have a physical relationship. They should see you hug and kiss. I think it is tragic when a person says they never saw their mom and dad kiss or show affection. I guess they will have to figure it out on their own! Sounds like bad parenting to me.
n Protection of the union
Mental and physical infidelity is deadly to the marital union and propagates further lies about God. Therefore, it is very important that we protect the marriage relationship.
This protection then involves a number of things according to Wilson.
Joking about sexuality/sexual immorality for instance has no place in our homes. It makes light of and defiles the idea of a moral sexual union and should not be modeled by Christian spouses and parents. Your children need to understand the real purpose of sexuality—godly sexuality.
Movies that depict graphic sexuality are to be shunned, as they encourage mental, and indirectly, physical infidelity and are in and of themselves dishonoring to God. How many sex scenes in movies are between godly married couples? ZERO! How about just married couples? Very few! What is that picture? What is that teaching? How is that influencing your thinking on this subject? Don’t join the thinking of the world in taking this lightly.
Example:
Neighbor comes over and asks if you would like to watch them. You are shocked. They say how about it is filmed and then you watch on your VCR. You are shocked. But you will go to a movie and watch the very same thing. What makes the difference? That they are strangers? That it is in private? Is it that the people in the movie are paid to undress? What if you paid your neighbors? I think it is the private part…
The use of any type of pornography as a sexual aid is inappropriate in that those magazines, videos, etc. themselves are lying about sexuality and about God. Also, they encourage at least mental infidelity (and contribute to a sinful an illicit industry).
That said, healthy conversation about sexuality is OK. The bible indicates that there should be no hint of sexual immorality among us, not “no hint of sex.” It is OK for Christians to talk about sex in a meaningful, edifying, helpful way. Sex is not immorality between married couples! It is a gift of God and honorable! It’s OK for a child to know that his father is male and his mother is female and that they have a physical (yes even sexual) relationship.
Some Christians think the Bible says not to talk about sex. That is not the case. We can and should talk sex the way God intended it when appropriate. The church is the pillar and ground of truth! How will mankind knows God’s mind on sexuality if we do not talk about it? We have to instruct our children about sex! We cannot ignore it. It is a major part of life that demands our attention to ensure we treat it properly in God’s eyes.
n Various Prohibitions
Marriage is intended to be between one man and one woman. This by definition prohibits other types of relationships.
1) Homosexuality
2) Bestiality
3) Polygamy - What about the Old Testament Saints?
Ploygamy was instituted by man not God. The Genesis account only has one man given one woman as his helpmeet. Christ has only one bride and marriage is a picture of that relationship. Christ is faithful to his bride and a husband must be faithful to his bride as well. This understanding explains why an Elder or Pastor or Deacon, must only have one wife. 1 Tim 3:2, Tit 1:6 They represent the leadership of the church and polygamy is forbidden. That clearly tells me that divorce and remarriage also excludes a person from those leadership positions in the church.
But in a culture where Polygamy is legal and a person gets saved what should he do? Stay married to his wives! Unlike an adulterer or homosexual, a polygamist cannot walk away from this sin. A man can only flee polygamy through divorce, which is another sin. The person cannot be in leadership since his polygamy distorts the picture of Christ and the church but he can be in the membership.
n Friendships and social functioning
As we’ve discussed, infidelity goes beyond merely being physically involved with a person other than one’s spouse. There is also mental and emotional infidelity. That is defined as any inappropriate intimacy between a man or woman and any person other than his or her spouse. The biblical standard is that we provide devoted attention to our spouses. This certainly extends to the sexual, but it doesn’t end there.
No person should have an intimate personal relationship with a person of the opposite sex that is not his spouse or some immediate relative. Couples should be diligent about functioning socially as a couple to avoid developing those relationships. Husbands and wives should also be diligent in not developing inappropriate relationships at work.
Be aware of folly as well as sin. Don’t play with sin by flirting or imagining things. Build walls of protection around your marriage such as establishing the rule of never being alone with a person of the opposite sex.
While most of these inappropriate relationships don’t lead to physical infidelity, other forms of intimacy can grow unwatched in a dangerous and sinful way. Faithfulness to spouse is a discipline. The culture will not help us in this. We must be vigilant and depend on the Lord.
Heb 13:4 Yes marriage is honorable and the bed undefiled. Enjoy each other as God has given your spouse to you. Keep reasonable expectations and protect your marriage relationship.