Miscellaneous Temptations, Part 1
By Brother Michael W. Larsen
09 July 2006
Adult Education Hour
Colossians 3:19
Introduction: This morning, we continue our discussion on marriage with a lesson called “Miscellaneous Temptations.” In previous lessons we have discussed specific topics but this week we will look at some various pitfalls or “temptations” that can frustrate the marriage partners. This will be another practical lesson.
This week you will notice that again the main problem in marriage is the husband abdicating his responsibility.
To Abdicate is a verb that means to “renounce or relinquish an office, right, power or responsibility.”
This can play out in a number of ways within marriage, some of which we’ll talk about in
a minute, but let me generally explain it this way. Abdication in marriage is when the husband fails to fulfill his role of leader in the marriage and in the home. We’ve been consistent in referring to the husband as the head of the home, and an abdicating husband simply fails at this. He leads poorly. Notice I didn’t say that he doesn’t lead; as we’ve discussed, the Bible does not command the husband to lead, it simply states that he is the leader – he can only do it well or poorly. Not leading is not an option for any man.
Let’s look now at several misc. temptations in marriage.
General Abdication (The “Nice Guy Syndrome”)
Many wives are frustrated with their husbands. They are uneasy and get mad at him but don’t know why. Her husband is a nice guy, very kind and gentle. She is frustrated wondering why she is mad at this man and does not know why. Well Wilson says that many marriages have not been spiritually consummated. They have been physically consummated but not spiritually consummated.
By spiritually consummated I mean that the man has not taken on his true responsibility to “husband” his wife.
The word Husband means “Hus” (house) “buend” (farmer or cultivator) to till, to build. The husband is the farmer, tiller,cultivator, manager, of the house. Thus the word “husbandry”. The word had no attachment to marriage originally. Originally the wife was just called my woman and the husband was referred to as her man but through time the word became associated to the head of the wife as it already was associated to the head of the home.
A wife primarily needs security in the relationship and until the husband takes on the responsibility to lead she will feel insecure and it will manifest itself in frustration with her husband. There can be a deep rooted resentment towards him. Wilson calls these men spiritual eunuchs. This is also called “Nice Guy Syndrome”.
Spiritual eunuchs are almost always very nice guys so the wife and others think what is wrong with her?
It is critical that a husband “husbands” his wife and household. Not a tyrant, but not a wimp either. The good husband was lead with authority while showing the love of Christ. Not harsh, but not passive. Do not weild your authority selfishly but do weild it. Your wife and home need a true husband (manager, cultivator, farmer, builder). If you do not provide that service you are a spiritual eunuch and an abdicator of your responsibility.
If someone wants a garden full of weed there is no husband required. Just leave the garden alone and the weeds will be plentiful. If someone wants a frustrated wife just do the same, leave her alone. Nice guys are very good at leaving their wives alone.
The concern used to be that husbands would be overbearing and act as tyrants in the home. In the context of the garden they would trample all the plants while attempting to weed the garden. The problem in the church today is that of men who don’t think they have the right to even enter the garden! The feminist philosophy in our culture has made men afraid to attempt any kind of cultivating or tilling at all. Men today just stand around impotently and watch the weeds grow, unsure they have a right to do anything about it. If a man does enter the garden and begin to husband it then he assumes some responsibility for the weeds and he does not want that either!
It does not matter what your wife says or what the feminist society says, you not only have a right to be in the garden, you have a responsibility to be in the garden. Get in there and carefully, lovingly cultivate that garden and remove those weeds. Your wife needs it and deep down inside she wants you to be her husband.
How do you know if you are abdicating? Here are some examples:
When the wife asks for counsel
When your wife asks for counsel, if you say, “You make the call” or “Whatever you want” then you are most likely abdicating. If she comes to you asking your advice always give her your advice. If she asks what to do, always make the decision.
I tried that once
Husbands who abdicate often make the excuse of, “I tried that once and my wife bucked my decision.” In this case she needs a firm decision. It is her way of testing your resolve whether or not you are sure about your decision. Think it through, make the decision and stick with it. You are responsible if it fails.
I told you so
If you ever say to your wife, “I told you so” when she makes a decision that fails, you are an abdicating husband. When you allow her to decide you are actually the one deciding because you are responsible for every outcome. If you and your wife discuss a topic and you come to the conclusion that she can pick or chose what you will do. Then it has just become your joint decision in which you are responsible. If it fails you take responsibility and tell her that you should have made a different decision.
Doing his own thing
Some abdicating husbands think they are being decisive when they go off and make a decision without consulting their wives at all. This happens usually because they know if they consult with their wife she will not let him do it! This represents a large problem. He has given her the veto power in the home which is his responsibility. In this case he really wants to do something so rather than ruffle the feathers he just does it.
Husbands if it is something you feel strongly about for your family, discuss it with your wife, listen to her thoughts and if it makes sense modify your plans, then make the decision. Wives, let him be the husband that God requires him to be.
If you have it all wrong at this time I suggest you make a list, gentlemen, of every thing that goes on in your home or family that you do not want to happen. Make one list showing all the things that go on where you have abdicated your responsibility by allowing your wife or even kids to make the decision to do somethings you know are not right. The 2nd list should be the things that go on where you have made the decision but your wife refuses to adhere to your decision.
Then after much prayer approach her with the simplest one to discuss. Begin with confession of your abdication and ask her forgiveness. Tell her you have sinned by not properly leading but are now making restitution.
Differences between Men and Women (communicative abdication)
There are differences between men and women! The world today goes crazy when you say that because our society at this time in history wants every one and everything to be equal. But none the less there are differences between men and women, different cultures act differently. Even in our own country the people in the south are typically different than the people in the North East. People in the Midwest have always been considered nicer than people in NY. California is often called the land of fruits and nuts, etc. Now I am from California so you know there are exceptions! There are exceptions in every case but generalizations can be made and are not wrong to do so. It has to do with the preponderance of evidence. The differences are not bad! It makes life interesting and in many cases it is God who designed the differences.
For example men are taller than women. That statement is true when you look at the entire population. There are exceptions but in general men are taller than women. Men are in general stronger physically than women.
We have also discussed that men and women are oriented differently. Men being task oriented and women being man oriented. That orientation has to do with the roles that God has assigned for men and women. Like the hammer and wrench, we are made differently and for a different role. The differences are not arbitrary but designed by a creator.
Since men and women are different they express themselves in different ways. For example suppose a man comes home from work and it occurs to him (even him) that his wife did not have a good day. He asks her if anything is wrong. She says nothing is wrong! Now by this she means that so many things are wrong that she can put her finger on one thing alone and besides anybody can see that something is wrong. He says. “Good. For a second there I thought something was wrong.” Then he goes off to watch the news. Later in the evening he discovers his error when there is a big blow up. She is mad because he does not care that she had a bad day and he is confused because he asked and she said nothing was wrong.
There are times when a wife is distraught over something and the husband thinks this is time to lecture her on how she messed up. What she needs right then is a hug. He can instruct her later. (Dwell with her according to knowledge) Learn to communicate and understand each other and the differences can be appreciated verses a stumbling block.
Women appear to have a multi-track mind where men seem to be more single minded. That is why women can start talking about a subject she began discussing yesterday and she expects you to be right on track. The man is thinking, “What are you talking about? Let me stop doing what I am doing and you can clue me in.” Women also like men to do spontaneous things like bring the flowers etc. Men are more analytical thinkers generally and they don’t do spontaneous. Men, learn to plan things that appear spontaneous!
Remember men, our objective is to shepherd our wives and help her grow. We must learn to relate to her to do this and we must be the leaders and Husbands she needs us to be.