By Brother Michael W. Larsen
25 June 2006
Adult Education Hour
James 5:16
Introduction
n Discussion Question: What is the biggest roadblock to harmony in marriage? The biggest problem in marriages (as in all other human relationships) is sin. Husbands and wives are, without exception, sinners. Sin, particularly un-confessed sin, creates a rift in the marital relationship.
In Scripture, the way we are instructed to handle sin is to confess it. The phrase that Wilson to describe the confessing of sins in the marital relationship (though it works in other relationships as well) is called keeping short accounts. The definition of keeping short accounts is defined as not postponing confession of sin if confession is necessary.
An important part of the move away from the biblical understanding marriage is the glossing over of the sin problem. In order to reform marriage we must understand the root cause of marital problems, and that is sin.
Theological points regarding Keeping Short Accounts
n Sin is primarily committed against God, and so confession of sin must first be before God, then before other people involved. When we sin, whether privately or against another person, it is first and foremost a sin against the Lord since sin is the breaking of God’s commands. We are ultimately responsible to God for our sin, and so confession needs to happen before the Lord as or before we confess and ask forgiveness of someone we have wronged.
This flows from the principle that our primary purpose in living is to glorify God, not to have good marriages or be good people per se (though those things are glorifying to God if done to please Him).
There is no healthy marital relationship apart from two individually healthy relationships with God.
n Our justification before God is intact despite our inability to effectively confess our sins to one another. Christ justified Christians once for all, apart from any works that we do, including keeping short accounts with one another or even God Himself.
Un-confessed sin, doesn’t rob us of our salvation, but it robs us of the joy of our salvation. It puts a rift in the relationship between us and God. When David was in his horrible time of adultery and murder he was still justified, but that sin was between him and his God. “Restore to me the joy of your salvation…” (Ps. 51:12)
It works the same way in our earthly relationships, including marriage. Wilson advocates the immediate confessing of all sin to God and to our partners as a means of keeping the marriage relationship intact and pure.
(Prov. 28.13) “He that covereth his sins shall not prosper, but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy.”
If a husband comes home from a having a bad day and “barks” at his wife, then goes and reads the paper “stewing” for a few minutes, he can not then go into the kitchen, kiss his wife and sweetly say, “What’s for dinner”? No he has to first restore the relationship by confessing his sin and apologizing for his actions. Then there can be “joy” in the marriage.
Let’s look at it this way; What if a person never picked up anything he dropped around the house – EVER!. Socks, then a fork, then grocery bag, then the remote, then a shirt, then an apple, then a shoe, car keys, socks again, spilled coolaid, screwdriver, junk mail, Bible, pen, socks again, shirt, olive, hat, newspaper, etc.. If they never picked up anything they dropped how long would it be before their house was a mess? 5 days? 10days? How about a year? What about 10 years? The house would be condemned in 10 years! Could you imagine the smell coming from that house?
But if a person learns to pick things up immediately when dropped they can drop a thousand things over time but the house stays neat and clean. If you spill on the carpet and clean it up right away the carpet is not ruined, but, if you leave it for a week or month the carpet is ruined. If they only pick up the house every 6 months, it becomes an overwhelming house cleaning job! Some homes are so messed up that the people do not even know where to start. It seems hopeless.
That is how it is with our marital relationships. Things (sins) need to be picked up (confessed) in all relationships. Confession of wrong doing must occur immediately to keep short accounts and not clutter the relationship. You must avoid putting off confession to your spouse. Immediately when you sin against him/her stop, and acknowledge it as sin and make it right!
“But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son, cleanseth us from all sin.” (1 John 1:7)
Putting things right (how to confess)
n The Godly Apology
“Therefore confess your sins to each other…” (James 5:16). Once we realize that confession is necessary, we then have to consider how to confess. Most people are terrible at this. We’re combating things like our own egos, our desire to save face, our instinct for self-preservation and defense. All of these things work together to make a “Godly apology” extremely difficult. The result is often an apology that doesn’t address the real sin or wrong, and a response that doesn’t forgive or restore.
A true apology involves a humbling of ourselves, a true admission of wrongdoing, and a request for forgiveness.
One of the best ways to discipline yourself when it comes to prevention of sin is to make thorough “restitution”. That is the Bible way. If an item is stolen, the person must confess the act to God but then restitution must be made. The person going to jail does not solve the victim’s problem! Confession does not make the stolen item belong to the thief! No he must restore the situation! The humbling effect of restitution is good for the soul and will deter future sin in this area. Restitution is so humbling that it really teaches to think twice before sinning in that way again.
So if a husband yells at this wife, going away and cooling off does not restore the situation! What is needed is a Godly apology. But married couples can easily fall into a pattern of apologizing in such a way as to “save face” Too proud to humble themselves. A true apology is not a backhanded way to tell your spouse it was her fault! It is also not to be shallow like this example:
“I’m sorry honey. I was tired and should not have said those things. I did not mean it.” That is not an apology!
What should be said is this, “I’m sorry honey. I was wrong to say those things I said. I said it because I wanted to hurt you and at the time I meant it. I was wrong to think that way and wrong to sin against God and you. Now that is an apology! That paves the way for real restoration of the relationship. It is very humbling and also hard to do but it is real!
So we need to confess sin immediately when it is determined that sin occurred. This will keep the account short or keep the relationship neat and clean like that house. If we do not confess but just “hope it will just go away” then it festers and the problems compound and become monumental problems that seem overwhelming. SIN NEVER BLOWS OVER! If the mere passage of time could deal with the sin problem then Christ died for no good reason.
n Forgiveness
The sin problem is compounded by the fact that the partner receiving the confession often
doesn’t know how to extend true forgiveness for wrongdoing. People are not always willing to forgive real trespasses.
The first apology mentioned above is easy to “forgive”. (Let’s look at it again) That is because it was not a true confession. There was no admitted wrong doing to forgive!
But the second confession is much more difficult to forgive. Notice the confession again; “I wanted to hurt you, I meant it, etc.. If what the husband said was really nasty name calling, the wife has difficulty forgiving because he meant it. She really is forgiving something he did to her, not just some superficial words that don’t mean anything.
The scripture demands that we both confess and forgive. Mat 6:12 Jesus said “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us” Jesus also said to forgive 70 times 7. Very hard but very important!
n Each partner is responsible for his or her own sin. This goes without saying seemingly, yet it bears mentioning. When I confess a sin to Dawn, the apology should not also be a means of pointing out her sin to her. “I’m sorry I did this, but you did that,” or “I committed this sin and here’s why” are not acceptable means of apology.
The person apologizing must address his sin only. An apology should not be a backhanded way of getting the other person to apologize. You should confess and apologize period. If the other person also humbles him or herself and does the same fine, but that is not part of your confession. It has nothing to do with your confession. That has to do with their confession and they should only do that if they also sinned. They should not just say it to make you feel better.
House Rules for keeping short accounts
To Wilson, immediacy of conflict resolution is key. Essentially the world must stop until sin is confessed and fellowship restored. Here are some suggested rules of engagement for us to consider.
n Never split up until things are resolved
The idea here is that if you can not go about your separate business until you humble yourselves and confess and get back in fellowship, it will force you to adjust your thinking and put things right. If an argument happens in the morning, you may only have time for basic confession and there may still be details to discuss after work but you have restored basic fellowship prior to separating.
n Never let anyone into your home when there is no harmony there. Wilson states here that you should not let that person into the house until you have restored fellowship…”if it’s raining, do it fast.” You might soften that by letting the person in the house but let them know that the two of you need to have a discussion and you’ll be with them shortly.
n Never go anywhere else when you are out of fellowship.
Resolve the situation before you leave or if it happens on the way, stay in the car and put it right. Be careful the emphasis is on not suppressing your anger or producing an outward presentation of gentleness and forgiveness. This “appearance” option can be tempting sometimes because in our flesh we don’t want to deal with our sin, people may be waiting on us, etc. Make sure that in your heart before God you are confessing humbly or seeking restoration with the other person graciously.
n Never wait until later to fix things, even when you are surrounded by others.
The notion here is that “Restitution should be as public as the sin was.” If you obviously sin against your partner in a group of other people (so that they notice the sin), then you should make restitution in the presence of all. This will be a good testimony.
If one partner sins against another without the rest of the group realizing it, then Wilson suggests having hand signals set up to “motion” to the other (one that means “I’m angry,” one that means
“I’m sorry,” one that means “I forgive you”).
n Never have sexual relations when you are out of fellowship with one another This prevents us from turning what God intended to be a unifying act of beauty and oneness into an act of hypocrisy.
Conclusion: Well, that is some practical on keeping your relationships healthy and vibrant! If you have been brushing your sins under the carpet hoping they will go away or hoping your spouse will forget you did it, why don’t you take them by the hand right now, look them in the eyes and confess your sins? You can also come pray up front and put things right and get back the joy of your marriage relationship.